I want my sunshine back

I want my sunshine back.

I want to glow with peace, comfort and light. I want it back, but what if I never had it. What if I’m anxiously waiting for my sunshine back, but it was never there to begin with. I keep saying I just want my sparkle to come back, I just want my sunshine back, I just want to feel like me again. But what if this is who I am? What if all the growth, healing and learning I’ve done has led me to who I am, and I just don’t like it.

When I created an escape of sunshine and rainbows for myself, what if I also created a role to play within that safe space. That space where everything is good. That space where the world was built on love. That space where positivity fixed everything. I always thought that who I was in that space was who I am inside, but what if I just got really good at playing that part. What if that’s not who I am and it’s never been who I am. I wanted everyone to like me and make everyone around me feel happy and loved for so long. I did my best to treat all the people who entered my life the way I wanted to be treated. “Treat others how you want to be treated” right? But I didn’t always feel like making other people feel happy and loved, I just thought it was the only way people would like me. I grew into the mindset that people only stuck around because I was fun and always made things light and easy. But deep down all I’ve ever wanted is for someone to treat me the way I have always treated everyone else. I wanted someone to make me feel happy and loved, so that I didn’t always have to do it. I’ve known for a while now that I lost myself by doing that, but I did that for so long. How am I supposed to know who I really am now? And if I do find myself, will all the people I love, love her the same way they loved the girl playing that part?

Will they love the girl behind the mask? The girl that’s soul hurts from the weight of the pain she’s been carrying inside for so long. The girl that doesn’t always want to be putting on a show. The girl that never lets her guard down, despite what others may believe. The girl that played her character so well she became her. Will they love her for who she truly is? I don’t know and that scares me. It scares me that I don’t know who I am. It scares me that I don’t truly let anyone in. It scares me that I can’t escape to the sunshine and rainbows anymore. I’m scared. And I feel alone. I don’t know how to find myself. I’m so tired of putting on a show for the world. I’m so tired of being this bubbly person when I don’t feel that inside all the time. I’m so tired of thinking that playing that role is the only way people will love me. And I’m so tired of questioning why anyone could love me for who I am. I don’t want to wonder how anyone could love me for me. I don’t love me for me, so how would anyone else? And who even is me? That’s what frustrates me the most. Once I realized that I lost parts of myself playing that role, I’ve questioned who I am. But how do I figure it out? How do I figure out how much of that character was who I am and how much was an act? How do I figure out where to draw the line? How do I figure it out when I still worry about everyone else’s perception of me? I don’t know where to go or what to do. I don’t know how to find who I am. And I certainly don’t know who I am.

So do I want my sunshine back?

Yes, in the sense that I want to be able to smile without the ache of depression behind it. Yes, in the sense that I want to find happiness in the things and people I love. Yes, in the sense that I want my eyes to be filled with peace instead of pain. But no, in the sense that I don’t think my sunshine was ever there to begin with. No, in the sense that not everything is always sunshine and rainbows, and that’s okay. And no, in the sense that I am both the light and dark parts of me.

I don’t want to just have my sunshine back. I don’t want to only glow with light. The hurt I’ve started to heal is still a part of who I am. The unhappy times are just as much me as the happy times. My dark is just as important as my light. The sun sets everyday for the moon to rise. I want to glow with sunshine and moonlight. I want to glow with both sides of me like I never have before. I want to embrace who I truly am, even if I still have to find her.

I don’t want my sunshine back, it was never there to begin with.

Enjoy your life. I love you and of course, if it is just me reading this, I love you and I am so proud of you.

7/31/22/8/1/22