An intense feeling of heaviness in your soul. That is the best way I can describe depression. It’s this feeling of life’s weight concreted on your chest. It feels like not having the energy to get out of bed or even smile. It’s not wanting to see anyone, speak to anyone or do anything but sleep forever. It’s being unable to find happiness in people or places or things that should make you happy. It’s a never-ending battlefield within yourself against yourself and it drains the life out of you.
The most frustrating part of depression is that you are at war with your own mind. You become your own worst enemy and it is just exhausting. Your mind convinces you that you’re worthless, your friends and family hate you, you won’t accomplish anything, you aren’t good enough to be loved and you don’t deserve to live. After a while, you just start to believe that little voice telling you all those things. On the days where you can’t get out of bed, you listen to it telling you that you won’t be successful and no one loves you. When you’re constantly hearing that, why wouldn’t you just stay in bed all day. The thing is, once you believe those things, your actions reflect them and they might even start to come true. How are you going to build a life and grow as a person and maintain relationships if you hide from the world. You feel as if the whole world is against you so you hide away from it, leaving yourself trapped with that little voice, who is actually against you. It’s this constant cycle of feeling alone in a room full of people, but feeling even more alone in a room by yourself.
It’s a difficult conceptualization to grasp but once you do, it’s even more frustrating than before. Knowing that the only person telling and thinking these things is yourself is painful. How do you hate yourself for making you hate yourself and the world. It’s hard and it’s exhausting and it just fucking sucks. There is no way to sugarcoat what depression does to a person and what it feels like. Depression is numbing. Depression is painful. Depression is lonely. Depression is draining. Depression is confusing. Depression is dark. Depression is scary. Depression crushes your heart and possesses your soul.
Enjoy your life. I love you and of course if it is just me reading this, I love you and I am so proud of you.
4/2/22
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