I lost a friend. I’m gonna be honest it fucking sucked and still does sometimes. Losing one of your closest friends for no apparent reason fucking sucks. There’s no way to sugarcoat it and I’m not going to pretend it didn’t destroy me. It kept me awake at night wondering what I did wrong, crying about the distance between us, worrying about what I could’ve done to fix it and ultimately why on earth I wasn’t good enough. But after months of dealing and working through this, I can look back with immense gratitude. I came out growing and learning about myself, my true friends showed their true colors and I am grateful. That simple feeling of gratitude shows me that I am the better person and I always have been. I never stooped down to their level, even when I wanted to scream and cry until I couldn’t anymore. I did my best to maintain who I was in every conflict that arose and that was made even harder because I was doubting every single aspect of myself that I learned to love. Was I too energetic, optimistic, loud, annoying, caring, thoughtful, generous, disorganized? No. I was never too much, they were too little for me. We quickly outgrew each other and that’s okay. I am past the point of wanting to fix anything for myself or them and I am glad. That is not easy for me to do. I care so deeply for others, their feelings, life, view of me and overall well being. It took me almost 6 months to get to a place where I am okay if I am too much for anyone, because I know who my true friends are. You will never be “too much” for a true friend and that's a really important lesson I learned the last few months.
It took me a while to realize I was never the issue. I stayed calm, respectful, mature, isolated and that sucked sometimes. It’s easy to deflect your own feelings onto others but that doesn’t make it okay. I know not everyone treats people the way I treat them and that is okay. However, it is not okay to deflect your anger, stress, sadness or anything else onto another person. It is not okay to treat someone as if they don’t exist or matter to you. It is not okay to ignore, not look at or not acknowledge another person. It is not okay to be rude or mean to someone. It is not okay to treat another person with no respect or remorse for how your actions have hurt them. It is not okay to apologize and then continue to treat someone like they don’t deserve your time. While it is not okay to treat anyone like that, it is especially not okay to treat someone you once called a friend like that. I cannot even begin to describe how it felt the first few months of being treated like I simply didn’t exist and in the few moments I was deemed in their eyes to exist, it was a passive aggressive text message about cleaning or laundry. I understand I am messy and disorganized, but as soon as that problem was brought to my attention, I fixed it immediately and it has not been an issue since. Yet, they still found a way to nitpick every single thing I did that wasn’t up to their immeasurably high standards. At first, I thought it was me and I was a terrible person, friend and roommate. But once again, it was never me. Not cleaning enough the first 3 weeks being at school does not constitute 5 months of disgusting treatment, especially when the cleaning issue was resolved immediately. I was treated like I was nothing and that is how I ended up feeling. All I did was try to show them I cared and loved them, because I once did, but I am done caring and love is long gone. They had every opportunity possible for my forgiveness, friendship and love but they burned that bridge along with everyone else’s. I know now that not only did I come out better as a person, some people are just bad people. No friend would treat a friend as if they didn’t exist for months. No friend would ignore text messages or worse, ignore you when talking to them. No friend would show you time and time again they don’t like you or at the very least, not even respect you. After a while, that is all I wanted, to be respected. Not only out of respect for the friendship we once had, not only out of respect for being roommates, but respect because I am a human being and no matter what, everyone should be treating others with respect. But did I get that? No. I got months of horrendous treatment, 2 fights where truly mean things were said, a few caring texts, an apology note and 1 mature, adult conversation despite me asking for that multiple times and of course I got depression and anxiety. However, just as I am done caring, I am done dwelling in the past. I am going to continue to treat everyone, including people who have hurt me, with respect and kindness as I have always done as I work through everything this situation triggered for me.
For months, I felt like I wasn’t good enough and questioned every aspect of myself I had worked very hard to love and it was awful. The worst part was that I shared so much of my past and my insecurities and my progress with them. They knew me and they know who I was. They knew this was slowly destroying me. They sat back and watched as my mental health deteriorated day after day and continued to treat me like an enemy or worse, like I just didn’t exist to them. Those feelings of worthlessness and the constant tension and conflict triggered everything from my childhood that I dealt with in my family. In the first 2 months, I just did what I had always done and pushed it all down. I pretended everything was fine and I pretended I was fine until I couldn’t anymore. The minute I let myself process and feel everything that happened, I fell apart. I was hurting so much that it started to not hurt anymore and that was scary. I lost the love I had for myself, I lost motivation to do anything but be out of the apartment, I lost organization in school, I lost self care and I just lost myself. I kept telling myself I was okay and I would be okay but that numb feeling didn’t go away. It didn’t matter how good a day was, it was still there. Once it hurt so bad it didn’t hurt anymore, I knew something was wrong. I started slow, just admitting I hadn’t been myself for months was a big step. Once I did that, I started having realizations every day about why I am the way I am and the events and relationships in my life that led to that. I started trying to prioritize myself and it helped a little but those feelings did not go away. No amount of journaling or drawing or self care would erase all the negative feelings that had been stowed away for years that came out all at once. It was overwhelming honestly. It took me a while to admit I was depressed, but doing it was so unbelievably freeing. It didn’t erase anything, but that realization helped me put all the pieces together. I understood that I have been through this before and that I got myself out without realizing what was going on. That fact brings me so much comfort because it is so different now. Back then, I didn’t let anyone know I was struggling, let alone how bad I was struggling. I felt alone and I didn’t give myself a support system. But I made it out okay. This time, I have so much knowledge about myself, my upbringing, my trauma responses I developed over the years and my unhealthy coping mechanisms. I have an incredible support system who are there for me every step of the way to remind me day after day that I am not alone, I am enough, I am loved and I am a great person. I was going to have to work through this and unlearn all the coping mechanisms I developed during my childhood and adolescence at some point. Given the choice, I would not be doing it during the sophomore year of college. But everything happens for a reason and it happened when it did. I am learning and growing every single day. I am standing up for myself, rediscovering myself and most importantly learning to love myself and put myself first. It hurt and it hurt for a long time. But the hurt of losing a friend who didn’t deserve me in the first place, is nothing compared to all the other hurt it triggered for me. The hurt of feeling like you don’t matter. The hurt of feeling like you are too much. The hurt of not feeling good enough. The hurt of depression: feeling alone in a room full of people, the anxiety over tiny mundane things, feeling worthless, having no motivation to do anything, not finding happiness in things that should make you happy, feeling as if you don’t deserve to be here, feeling as if no one loves you and feeling as if you have no purpose in life. Nothing compares to those feelings and thoughts. So yes, it used to hurt me that I lost a friend, but the keyword is used to. It doesn’t hurt me anymore. I have always been good enough. I have always been a bright, caring, kind, intelligent, beautiful, generous, easygoing, energetic person, even though it took me a while to remember that.
I lost a friend. But everything I have gained from that loss reminds me to be grateful for it. I am growing and learning in ways I never thought were possible. I am putting myself first and making me a priority. Some days are easier than others, but I get the peace of being able to go to sleep every night knowing I did my best to repair what broke, I never stooped to their level of disrespect, immaturity and rudeness, I have an incredible support system of people who stuck by me like they always have and showed me what true friendship is and never fail to let me know that I am never too much for them and simply that I am growing as a person from this. At the end of the day, some people are just bad, despite your initial judgment and that is okay. I know in my heart and soul that I am a good friend and person and anyone who isn’t lucky enough to see that does not deserve to have me in their life and I don’t want them there.
Enjoy your life. I love you and of course if it is just me reading this, I love you and I am so proud of you.
2/8/22
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