Chapter 6: Finding Yourself

I’ve been trying to find myself for almost a year now. It’s been a really frustrating, exhausting, interesting and complex journey. I started by going back to what I loved as a kid. I thought it would be that simple. Going back to the time where I had no responsibility and I did things that made me happy. Those things were learning, being outside, music, reading, creating art, writing, history, outer space, nature. I realized I had lost those pillars of myself that make me who I am. I don’t blame myself. I grew up and everything started to get more and more complicated with more responsibilities in all aspects of my life. So, my thought process was that going back to those simple things that bring me the most peace would lead me to who I am. But I’ve been trying to find myself for a while with no success. It hasn’t been easy. I have spent so much time being frustrated with myself for not being able to find out who the fuck I am. I made it a point to start putting myself first, because I’ve put others first a majority of my life. And then I made it a point to make time for those pillars of what I loved as a kid. And then I started writing more. And I started writing honestly and consistently more. And then I started therapy again. And then and then and then. I could go on and on with all these little changes I made in an attempt to finally find myself. And while none of these changes led me farther away from who I am, they also didn’t lead me to waking up one day knowing exactly who I am as a person. And so all these months and months of putting myself first and getting comfortable alone with myself have led me to nothing. Or at least that’s how it feels sometimes. The funny thing is, I did get my “wake up one day knowing exactly who I am'' moment after all. I realized it when talking to a friend last week and it has shifted my perspective on this whole “journey” I’ve been on. You see, to me, finding yourself is simply loving yourself. That’s it.

Finding yourself isn’t diving deep inside and figuring out who you are and who you’ve always been because that’s just not possible. As human beings we are constantly growing, learning and evolving. How can we ever truly find out exactly who we are if as a species, a fundamental aspect of our being is to evolve over our lifetimes.

So to me, this long journey of little changes and shifts in mindset have led me to my firm belief. Finding yourself is loving yourself and all aspects of who you are and who you have always been. For me, this means loving the light side I show everyone and the dark side I show no one, including myself. I hid behind a smile in the light to mask the dark for so long. Only recently have I truly started to accept the dark side being just as important as the light. I have started to believe that people WILL love me for both these sides. I have started to let my people into that dark side, even when I am scared it will make them leave. I am and will always be both these sides of me. They make me who I am. The past, present and future me is made up of everything that encompasses the light and dark. So now that I have started to accept that and let others into that and trust they will love me just the same, I have started to find myself. Some days it feels harder to do, letting people in, not hiding behind the smile. But other days it feels so liberating and free to be able to trust that I am worthy and loved just as I am, light and dark. They make up who I am and who I have always been, but if I didn’t acknowledge them both, heal them both and love them both, I could never truly find myself but more importantly love myself.

Finding yourself is loving yourself. Loving yourself for all parts of you. The parts that hurt and the parts that healed. The parts that smile and the parts that cry. The parts that you love and the parts you don’t love. All of these parts make you who you are, you just have to let yourself accept that, even when it’s painful. You can’t change who you truly are, but you can let yourself be who you truly are, even when it’s scary. You can let your people in and trust that they will love you for all these parts of yourself. You can let yourself be proud of all these parts. You can let yourself love all of these parts. And to me, that raw, vulnerable, unrequited love for everything that makes you you, that is finding yourself.

Enjoy your life. I love you and of course, if it is just me reading this, I love you and I am so proud of you.

8/21/22