I have never experienced a pain stronger than depression. I didn’t know it could get so unbelievably difficult. I’ve gone through a lot in my short 19 years on earth, yet somehow, nothing compares to the hurt I feel in my mind, body and soul right now. I’ve written about depression before. Months ago when it first started. But I never imagined it would feel like this. What I would give to go back to a few months ago. But I can’t, not because time travel doesn’t exist, but because I have grown too much in this short period of time. I can’t go back to hiding behind a smile. I don’t have the energy to do it anymore. And that scares me.
Painting a smile on my face, while I was hurting so bad internally, was my escape for so many years. I pushed everything down and mastered the art of pretending I was okay. And in a way, that helped me be okay, at least for a while. The only way to get through anything in life is to get through. I can’t and I don’t blame myself for creating that escape. It was the only way I could survive. But my ability to push it all down and hide behind that smile is lost. That part of me is so far gone that I couldn’t go back if I wanted to, and sometimes, all I want is to go back to that escape again.
I know it’s unhealthy, but that false reality of sunshine and rainbows was my escape for so long. It was my home. My comfort place. The delusion that kept me from having to feel the unbearable pain that was hiding in my eyes and buried so deeply in my soul. But that pain flows out of my eyes now and it’s been dug up from my soul. And as hard as it is, to feel all of the pain from years upon years of suffering, it wasn’t fair to keep it in. Not to myself. I don’t deserve to be carrying all of that pain inside of me. My soul craves peace. How can I feel that peace inside of me that I’ve craved all of my life, if I don’t dig up the pain that stains my soul.
So as much as it hurts, I have to let it hurt. Even when I feel like there is no point. Even when I feel completely alone. Even when I don’t have the energy to get out of bed. Even when it hurts so bad, I’d do anything to make it stop.
I deserve the peace I desire. I deserve to see the world. I deserve to learn everything I want to. I deserve to listen to my favorite songs. I deserve to look at the stars. I deserve to create art. I deserve to love others. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be alive, because the world is a brighter place with me in it, even when that is so hard for me to believe. I deserve to enjoy my life.
Enjoy your life. I love you and of course, if it is just me reading this, I love you and I am so proud of you.
7/21/22
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