This summer my main goal was to prioritize healing in the mental, physical and emotional aspects of my life. I am lucky enough that I have worked and saved enough that I don’t need to have a steady job this summer and I am able to stay in my apartment in my college town without my roommates. I’m very grateful that I am privileged enough to have the opportunity to truly spend these few months focusing on me, but that’s not to say it's been easy. It has actually been one of the hardest things I’ve done and I severely underestimated the difficulty to be honest. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression since December of 2021 and I wanted to use this time to overcome this episode without the added pressures and responsibilities that come throughout the school year. I also wanted to use this time to heal my emotional trauma from growing up and honestly just continue my journey of evolving as a person that I’ve been on for a while now. It started with my decision to lose weight almost exactly 2 years ago. I decided that I wanted to do it for myself and I completely changed my lifestyle. I grew up to be completely transparent and I started to take responsibility for my physical health as well as day to day life tasks. Once I made that change I started to boost my self esteem but that changed at the start of sophomore year. I’ve talked about why in some other writings here so I won’t get into those specifics right now, they’re honestly irrelevant. The relevant part is that while I started evolving physically, I didn’t truly start this “journey” (I hate using that word; it sounds like a damn Pinterest quote) mentally/emotionally until this past fall semester. The situation started triggering things and they just kept coming. I had a ton of realizations and I started to simply prioritize myself and my well being. It’s been a long time (at least it feels like) since I started working on myself and it’s been incredibly challenging at many points. But after this spring semester ended and summer started, my only plan was to truly focus on me. With the privilege of few responsibilities right now, I have been able to do that.
Again, it’s been a lot harder than I thought. I recently uncovered that I have an anxious attachment style. A few months ago I finally admitted to myself that I’ve had a binge eating disorder since 4th grade. As I mentioned I’ve had depression and anxiety since December. And the cherry on top of my “fucked in the head” list, is I have ADHD, but that isn’t new, I’ve been diagnosed since 6th grade. So this summer I have been trying to heal all my hurt while balancing all these things and it’s hard. I put a lot of pressure on myself that I need to be this brand new person at the end of the summer and be completely healed or else I wasted 3 months not working, doing nothing. It’s really hard to deal with that pressure sometimes. This stuff is not fucking easy. I’ve had some really rough days that honestly my thoughts scared me. And the pressure that I could’ve potentially wasted this summer when I could be working or doing an internship like most of the people my age scares me. I’m very scared of failure. I don’t want to disappoint myself but mostly I don’t want others to see me the way they always have. Lazy, unproductive, irresponsible, stupid, a failure honestly. Unfortunately I grew up hearing that I had so much potential but I wasn’t going to get anywhere because I was lazy, disorganized, irresponsible, unreliable and unhealthy. I think I keep trying to prove to myself that I am not those things and it’s this kind of internal battle because I know deep down I am not those things, but there’s also still that little voice deep down that’s been conditioned to believe I am. Nothing seems to be good enough for that little voice. No amount of good grades, weight loss or academic achievement is good enough and I hate it. Those are not things I value as a person. I wish I was judged on who I am as a person growing up because that is where I feel the most pride in myself. The academic and health achievements are great but deep down I’m not nearly as proud, if at all, compared to the pride I feel in who I am. It’s hard to be battling that voice. I changed my health around because I wanted to. I changed my academics around because I wanted to. And while the only reason I have been able to do those successfully is because I did them for me and no one else, I still look for that validation from others because those things are just not important to me. When I hit one of those milestones or achievements, I want other people to know so that I prove to them I’m worthy because I lost X amount of weight or got X on a paper. My body and my intelligence are the two things I am most insecure about in my life and it makes sense. Those are the two things I was criticized for constantly growing up. But again, I don’t pride myself on those things. I pride myself on who I am. I feel so proud when I realize my mental growth over the last few months. I feel so proud when I create something. I feel so proud when I learn just to be a more knowledgeable person. While of course I am proud when I hit a weight loss goal or lifting goal or an academic goal, that internal pride is dimmed by the part of me that wants other people to know that I did it. I’m not sure how to overcome it. But the pressure of healing stems from that same place. While I’m proud of the hard work I’ve put into myself this summer, sometimes it's stunted by the fact that others may look at me and think I’m wasting 3 months for nothing.
The important thing to remember, myself included, is that success is measured by your standards. While others' perception of you and your life may affect your standards, they don’t have to. It’s not easy, I still have to figure out how to get past caring what others think, but letting go of that is freedom. It’s crucial to remember that you are the only person that truly matters in your life. It sounds harsh I know, but it really is true. When you make that choice to let go of society, friends, family, anyone's opinion of you, it doesn’t matter what you do with your life. You will be living the way you want to live. Working towards the goals you set for your standard of success. If other people don’t get it, that’s not your problem. Everyone has different goals and dreams. Everyone has different standards for their lives. This leads into one last question.
Would you rather die being happy with the course of your life while others believed you lived a bad one or would you rather die being unhappy with the course of your life while others believe you lived a great one?
To me, the choice is simple. I would rather leave this Earth knowing I lived my life exactly how I wanted to live it. Believing I lived a great life. Finding peace and true happiness with everything I did. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thought during or after it, because I had the life I wanted to live.
It’s hard to not let external/internal pressures affect you and your life. But whatever it is that you’re doing, whether it be healing or growing it doesn’t matter, the fact still stands: your life is in your hands.
Take a deep breath and take your time. Do things that bring you peace and joy within your soul. Let go of others' perception of you. Measure your life by your own standards. That is true healing, freedom and peace for any single person in this world.
Enjoy your life. I love you and of course, if it is just me reading this, I love you and I am so proud of you.
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