Lost. Somehow, a simple four letter word carries immeasurable meaning in my life at the moment. Lost is a feeling, a place, a mindset, a song and to me right now, an exact description of my mind. I am quite literally lost in the heat of it all. As silly as it sounds it is just the truth. I feel lost in every single aspect of my life: school, family, friends, romance, responsibilities but mostly myself and that's the scary part. I am so terrified that I feel so lost within my own world right now. I feel like the person others see me as is the person I am deep down, but that person isn’t quite on the surface yet. And so this other person is in her place and it's weird. I don’t know how I can join them together if that makes sense. I want to rediscover myself and everything I am at my core but it’s hard. I am scared about so many things and I guess fear is a part of life, it won’t ever not be. But I don’t want to live a life of fear. I want to face my fears and be brave and courageous and strong and independent. But getting too that point is really fucking hard and I am just exhausted mentally. I am drained trying to be everything I want to be and I am so impatient. I know I have to trust the process and enjoy where I am at right now but it’s just so hard when the place I’m at is lonely, scary, dark, confusing, tiring and just long. But I do honestly find comfort in the fact that I am doing this and that I am doing it now. Yeah it’s hard as fuck but what in life isn’t. I don’t want to live my life in fear and I don’t want to be jealous of the people who don’t have to do this. Yeah this place sucks sometimes but it’s also exciting. I am finally being the person I needed for myself for 19 years and while it sucks sometimes, it is also so unbelievably exciting. I am at a point in my life where I have the freedom to do whatever I want to do. And what do I want to do? I want to be successful in school, get my work done, and learn. I want to make new friends, deepen existing friendships, and learn more about the people I am close to. I want to become stronger, physically and mentally. I want to see the world, travel, and move my body in new ways. And most importantly, I want to fucking find myself. I want to find who I am deep down and give her a hug. And the scary and exciting and cool thing is, I think I have found her. I know who I am deep down. Yes I feel lost a lot, but it’s the moments after I feel lost, that I feel grateful for this journey and this process. It’s in those moments that I am the most at peace with the world and myself. I always read about how you need the lows to see the highs and you need the dark to see the stars, but honestly I was just preaching that. It’s moments exactly like this one right now that I truly believe that. I have the freedom right now to be who I want to be and surround myself with people I want to be with. I can just go to the beach tonight at 3am if I wanted to. I can go to my friends places if I want to see them. I can learn about anything I want to with the click of a few buttons. It’s scary and it's confusing and it's overwhelming, but those moments where it hurts and it sucks and it's hard pave the way for moments like this one, where I feel an overwhelming sense of peace in my soul. So yeah, I am lost right now. But in another way, I’m not lost. I am exactly where I need to be. This is my life, no one else’s. I write the chapters, add and delete characters and I control everything I do. As overwhelming as that is, it is also incredibly beautiful, just like life. So yes, I am lost. But I am lost in the sense that I am finding my way, and that excites me.
Enjoy your life. I love you and of course, if it is just me reading this, I love you and I am so proud of you.
2/6/22
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